Fear – 3

We have been discussing Fear and its role in our lives and our kids’ lives.  We looked at how it disguise’s itself and sabotage’s our destiny and dreams.  In Part 2, I gave you three questions to determine if that Fear is a part of a faulty belief system.  Three easy questions can begin you on your journey toward optimism.  In Part 3, the final part of this series, I want to look at how to change a belief system.

Changing your belief system or helping you to change your child’s belief about themselves requires reframing, which requires intelligence and optimism.  I have learned from so many sources that your mind cannot hold two opposing views simultaneously.  So you cannot believe that you need to smoke a cigarette and that you want to quit simultaneously.  The second you say and think what you want to have happen, i.e., you want to quit smoking or vaping, your mind believes it.

It takes the intelligence to recognize that this is causing us anxiety and then the optimism to think we can change the habit.

At first, like all of us, there are more setbacks than successes but stick with it.  Continue to see yourself as you wish to be, i.e., without dependence on cigarettes or vaping.  See how your friends react when you tell them you no longer smoke.  Now I am using smoking as an example, but you can substitute anything that is causing worries in your life.  Anything that doesn’t lead you to where you want to be is suspect to fall into the category of needing a belief change.

You may want to take a bit of time to untangle why you have such a dependence or thought pattern, but if it seems too complicated, skip it and reframe what you want to have been true about yourself.

Helping kids with his process is extremely important because they have many false beliefs about themselves from friends, social media, and situations at school.  If we can instead help them to find joy, to release their negative self-talk, then we have given them a gift of a lifetime.  Changing a belief requires a few givens to be present.

  1.  You must have a desire to make the change.  Help kids to see how destructive the thought is for them.
  2. When you feel the desire to change, make a move, commit.  Change requires intelligence and sensitivity.
  3. Find people who will support you in this change.  Tell others that you know, like, and trust what you’re working on and ask them for their support.
  4. You must be willing to work at it.  There are no shortcuts; challenging our fears and changing a belief system is hard work.
  5. Challenge the old beliefs of the past.  Stop blaming the circumstances, conditions, what people said, and mistakes that you made.

I hope that you will work with yourself and your kids to pay attention to the little comments and thoughts about ourselves.  Agree with each other to choose one or two of them and regularly discuss how it is going.  Support each other when there are setbacks.

Here is the link to my first post, Fear – Dr. Rich Patterson (pattersonphd.com)

The second post on Fear is here, Fear – 2 – Dr. Rich Patterson (pattersonphd.com)

Here is a link to a guided meditation by Tara Brach that may well help you with your Fear, Meditation: Meeting Fear with a Healing Breath (22:59 min.) – Tara Brach

I hope you will find this very helpful.

Yours for Better Parenting & a Better Life,